Confessions of a Pastor’s Wife: What People Don’t Know

Our most PASTORLY picture. Right after David preached in Africa.

My Confession:
I graduated in 2006 and entered “the ministry” vocationally as a bright and shiny 22 year-old. I was a children and youth pastor for a Vineyard Church in Lancaster, Ohio. It was a blast. It was hard work, but it was a blast. And I was sold. I knew I wanted to be in ministry for the rest of my life.

Two years later, I fell head-over-high-heels in love with an amazing young adults pastor from Texas (insert my hero of my story). We’ve been doing ministry together ever since. I say “we” because that’s what David would say about us. We decided that I wouldn’t work fulltime, so that we could put our hands to the same task. It’s been wonderful. It’s hard work, but it’s wonderful.

What I didn’t know about my first two years in ministry as a single woman was that everything I went through was preparation for the hardest ministry I’d face: being the wife of a pastor. I would have never guessed the hardships of being in the ministry; I would have never imagined the hardships of being the wife of a pastor.

This blog is from one to (hopefully) many others, just to say “You’re not alone. I understand. ” It’s my confession. And for those of you who aren’t pastor’s wives, maybe just a peek into the lives of your pastor’s wife.

Kate’s Top 5 Most Difficult Things About Being a Pastor’s Wife:
(and don’t worry that good things are in the next blog!!)

In no particular order….

1. The Weight

Ministry is one of the most taxing vocations out there. It has one of the highest burn out rates to prove it! And every bit of the burden your pastor carries, his wife carries with him.
Ministry is physically weighty. It beats up your body. The schedule alone is exhausting. It’s anything but a 9-5 job. In fact, it includes holidays, weekends, evenings, early mornings, a 3am emergency, and you name it. It’s not confined to an office or even a building, it’s in your home and everywhere you go…even on date night.
Ministry is emotionally weighty. It’s emotionally weighty because you do it from your heart and with all of your heart. It’s not like a job where you turn it off at the end of the day. Your pastor walks through life with people, good and bad. And at the end of the day, the wife walks the pastor through life.
Ministry is relationally weighty. It’s all about people. Most people keep up with family and friends, but pastors and their wives care for and keep up with family, friends, and so many others.

2. Misunderstood Motives

My pastor and husband is motivated by ministry from his heart. In most other jobs decisions aren’t made from a place raw vulnerability. The problem is that most people never think about that. Harshness, criticism, and misunderstood motives feel very personal to a pastor. Most pastors have learned how to deal with their motivation and heart being questioned and misunderstood, but for the pastor’s wife this can be one of the hardest thing she faces on a weekly basis. Why? Because she sees the sacrifice it cost the person she loves the most in life. She sees the times he spent on his knees asking God for direction. And she saw all of the heart he has invested in the people and ministry. Most of all, she knows he did what he did to please God above all else.

3. Your Husband Is Public Property.

Most men are needed mainly by their wives and maybe some close family and friends in times of need. For pastor’s wives, it’s much different. Everyone needs her husband. People need pastors for hardships, questions, decisions, counseling…etc. One of the hardest things for pastor’s wives is to see their husbands be needed by other people. It’s hard for a lot of reasons, but it’s the most difficult when you see he is tired or in need himself. And the thing about being a pastor is that you are always a pastor. Have you ever wondered who is your pastor’s pastor? Your pastor’s pastor is his wife. It is her task to encourage, counsel, pray for, and speak the Gospel to the man who does that for everyone else.

4. You Are Public Property.

Some pastors’ wives work for the church, some are full time mommas and wives, and others have their own vocations, but nearly every pastor’s wife dealt with people who assume she is as available to them as the pastor….sometimes, even more. Unfortunately, I’ve experience people who have tried to get to my husband through me. I’ve experience people trying to hurt my husband through me. I’ve experience people trying to find things to gossip about my husband through me. I’ve experienced people who become angry with me because I’m not able to be close to them, befriend them, or counsel them.

The fact is, I love people. I love to help people. And I especially love to be a part of leading people closer to Jesus Christ, but because of the expectation I am sometimes under (even by sweet, well-meaning people) I have had to set very clear boundaries for myself. I do this so that my husband can be a more effective pastor that is healthy and in a healthy marriage.
My responsibility are in this order:
A. Jesus
B. My husband and protecting his place of rest.
C. My sweet baby boy and family.
D. To everyone else.

5. The Struggle for Authentic Relationship.

In the spirit of keeping my confession sincere, I’ll be very honest. For myself and many other pastors’ wives having completely open and intimate relationships is a huge difficulty. Most people have just a couple people in their lives that they can share in this type of a relationship. The Pastor’s wife has a hard time finding those people in her own life. Why? The pastor’s wife has a difficult balance. She has to remain authentic and real in her many relationships, while being careful not to “bleed” on the people she has a responsibility to help care for.
I’m by nature a private person already, and it takes a friend in just the right position in my life for me to be able to talk about my hurts, trials, confess sins, and ask for advice. This doesn’t mean I’m not “real” with everyone, but it does mean that I take my responsibility in life very seriously.

Well, that’s my honest confession. My next post is much more fun! My confession on the BEST things about being a pastor’s wife!

KR